i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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