I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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