my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
