Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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