Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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