I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
