Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
