remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
