why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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