Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
