Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
