Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
