If that was your dad, he is hot
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
