I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
