i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
