Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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