I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
