i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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