its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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