i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Randomize
