I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I think your dad took our porno
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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