oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I AM VODKA MAN
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
