He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
