when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
