Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
