there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
where are my eyebrows?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
