Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
3pm strippers are depressing
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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