i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
