I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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