You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
