I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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