Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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