Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
