A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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