remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
