All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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