who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
