you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
