That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
