We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
