TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
