Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
No stitches, just platelets and will power
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
