Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
