You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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