He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
