he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
