I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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