Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
