we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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