Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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